15 January, 2007 |

Welcome to Dr. Levine’s Reader Forum

The reader forum features a bulletin board for readers to post questions, concerns and share thoughts about the issues raised in The Price of Privilege. Dr. Levine occasionally posts comments and book excerpts to encourage conversation and feedback.

16 comments to “Welcome to Dr. Levine’s Reader Forum”

barbara, January 22nd, 2007 at 3:17 pm:

• Thank you for this wonderful book.

  I have a pressing question for Dr. Levine (or others out there) based upon Dr. Levine’s book and her related speeches.

  I am unable to reconcile two threads of Dr. Levin’s analysis and suggestions for parenting. On the one hand, Dr. Levine strongly suggests that a parent’s loveability of his/her child should not depend on that child’s performance. On the other hand, Dr. Levine also states that parents ARE to set standards for their kids, and are also to push their kids slightly “outside” their zones of comforts. As I think about these two things, I cannot reconcile them. If my child really and truly has the capacity to do straight A schoolwork, for example, but consistently comes home with Cs, what I am to do or say (especially when a lot of those Cs is due to his failing to turn in assignments, which would have been A-level work if turned in)? If I say nothing, I feel that I am not setting (appropriate) standards for my child nor am I pushing my child slightly beyond his zone of comfort. But if I say something like “I’m disappointed,” or, worse still, impose consequences (like denying a privilege to my kid as a result of his lackluster school work) then I feel I will be accused by Dr. Levine’s teachings to be doing exactly the wrong thing — of conditioning my love for my child on his performance. Please help me on this because it’s really bugging me. Thanks.

colette vogel, April 19th, 2007 at 12:59 pm:

• I applaud most aspects of the book, The Price of Privlege, but feel that the author really missed the mark in her references to eating disorders. She informed her readers based on 20 year old assumptions about submissive mothers and high pressured/controlling families. Her book went a long way in perpetuating the stigma of eating disorders for both the victims and the families. For a much better informed discussion Ms. Levine, and others interested, should refer to the article written by Harriet Brown, One Spoonful At A Time, published in the Sunday New York Times magazine (November 26, 2006) . The article states. “Over the last few years, most eating-disorders researchers have begun to think there is no single cause of anorexia, that maybe it’s more like a recipe, where several ingredients–genetics, personality type, hormones, stressful life events–come together in just the wrong way.” I would suggest that Majorie Levine become familiar with more recent data from the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) and with her considerable growing influence, set the record straight with her audiences (and consider making a donation to NEDA).

JulieC, April 20th, 2007 at 3:59 pm:

• Madeline- Saw you speak last night at Redwood. Thank you for your crusade to reveal the truth behind the “silent killer of affluence”. I feel like it has unlocked the secrets of my past and provided insights into how I can make sure not to repeat the mistakes of my parents with the raising of my two children. What you revealed on how we’re killing our youth has really connected the dots for me on how it all can go so wrong. I want to validate what you’re seeing. As a teenager 25 years ago, I was one of those classic affluent girls you describe who look so good on the outside (straight A’s, AP classes and popular) but suffers so terribly inside. After 15 years of anorexia, bulimia, depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide, I finally overcame the demons with medication, therapy and a supportive spouse. The ultimate cure came with the severing of my relationship with my overbearing perfectionist parents who I still can’t please at age 40. Clearly, the sooner we identify teens who need help, the less damaging the experience will be on their adult lives. Please continue to encourage mothers with similar pasts to get help. It does make a huge difference on your ability to effectively engage with your kids. I am thankful that my kids are young and I still have time to “get it right”. Your wisdom and passion in the pursuit of saving our children is greatly appreciated!

Angela Gott, July 8th, 2007 at 7:04 pm:

• Re: Your question—why are these kids not rebellious and why is the suicide rate climbing?

  Going back to that book I showed you in Modern US History today—Little Heathens—growing up in the Great Depression in a Farm in Iowa—that book to me, was a mind blower about what existence was like for the population’s children during the Great Depression Years. Nothing was easy—just eating, having clean clothes, being able to go to school, go to church, have heat and shelter—just the basics covered—was a sun up to sun down engagement of the entire family unit. Kids helped at the earliest ages and learned what was expected of them and no questions asked. Everyone in society had their assigned roles and passively accepted these and did not question the way things were and what needed to be done. Everyone trusted those in authority. It was passive acceptance for the most part.

  The only ones rebelling in those years were those so disenfranchised and oppressed that they participated in the rise of the Unions—branded socialists and communists and those were “ungodly” and they rose up in the face of unfair treatment by Capitalists. The population’s faith was shaken when all the banks failed and that planted the seeds of questioning distrust. But this evolved slowly and those who rose up had nothing to lose and that’s why they rose up. The bulk of society just passively endured The Great Depression though and their families were so preoccupied with economic survival, it took up all their waking moments and they still were fairly religious and patriotic.

  While women had won the right to vote, most were just voting for whomever their husbands told them to. It was a hard life with collective and personal sacrifices that culminated with WWII and those who survived that experience were rewarded with access to college via the GI Bill and also affordable housing (i.e. The American Dream) via VA Loans. Post WWII America was a time of intense pride in this country and everyone had a “can do” attitude and those who got BA degrees walked into well paying jobs that War Vets had an edge in hiring practices to go along with their new homes and college degrees. While this generation had largely only known poverty as children, as young marrieds with kids, life for most of them was idealistic prosperity. The boomers were born and raised largely spoiled by their parents and grandparents. Everyone looks toward a wonderful future. The only “dark cloud” was the threat of godless Communism. The Unions had won their battles and even those without degrees obtained the protections Unionization brought with collective bargaining that effectively gave them middle class lives.

  While Kennedy reminded the youth coming of age in the early ‘60s—ask what YOU can do for your country—it was Johnson that brought about The Great American Society with Medicare, Medicaid, General Assistance & Subsidized Housing programs and Food Stamps so that the bottom level of poverty could rise up to obtain middle class access to the basics. (Food, Shelter, Medical care) and it was Nixon that made access to Higher Education affordable to the very poor via BEOG, Upward Bound, NDSL Loans, Tuition Waivers and Grants and Social Security Survivor’s Benefits extended to cover full time students to age 22. Women did not enter the job market in droves until 1973 and this was the first year that the standard of living began to decline too. CETA (Comprehensive Employment and Training Act) programs existed in every major city to provide health coverage, a living wage, and on the job training to all those gaining entry level jobs in city and state government and the Mayors’ Summer Youth program kept unemployed youth off the streets and out of sight during the hot summer months—paid them to just show up and remain in largely remedial tutoring programs as a way to instill a work ethic.

  All this largely ended with Reagan’s election and coming to power as of 1981—Air Traffic Controller’s Strike, reorganization of the US Postal Workers, loss of financial aid to poor students and tuition wavers and brain drain on college campuses, end of Soc Sec Survivor’s benefits at age 18, and no way to be regarded as “emancipated” to qualify for financial aid based on poverty status until age 24—financial aid tied to parents incomes, not your own. (Prior to that it was possible to be emancipated as early as age 16 and receive financial aid for college based on your status, not your parents.)

  The Boomer’s offspring born in the late ‘60s, 70s, 80s thus did NOT know the extent of the access to higher education as it began under Nixon and ended with Reagan. The Boomers were able to gain access to college education during the ‘60s, ‘70s, ending in the early ‘80s but having a college degree was still not regarded as critically necessary for most off spring of the middle class or those with good Union Jobs. Only those at the bottom rungs of poverty realized —those with EEO exposure realized the dream of access was available and took advantage until Reagan effectively narrowed the doors.

  If you read The Glass Castle those kids moved to NYC around 1974, 1975 and thus were emancipated and eligible to go to CUNY and Columbia University based on their own poverty status. Jeanette Walls would not have been able to be the success story that she became, had she been seeking access after Reagan got elected.

  While the Vietnam War Years turned a large segment of Boomers into protestors and those distrusting the government and effectively brought about change with Watergate, many of those rejected numerous facets of the American Way of Life. They rejected the lives their parents and grandparents lived and those values pretty much. They rejected the roles women had been living. They became a very skeptical and distrusting segment of society. They rejected the American way of childbirth, the American way of raising kids, the American way of living and earning money, the traditional religions and social mores. They named their children hippy names and developed their own fashions and became vegetarians and pretty much rejected the values and attitudes that their parents and grandparents believed in. Of course their music and dance and other forms of expression in decorating and arts became their own too. Women rose up to demand equal access to all professions and programs they had been denied entry to and of course wanted equal pay for equal work too. Title IX was passed and this also began the rise of rights for the Disabled too. The racial minorities had begun the trend in the mid ‘60s and in the mid’70s the women and then the disabled followed. By ’69 with the Stonewall Rebellion in Greenwich Village, the Gays began their own uprising and demand for equal access, treatment, protections. So this Boomer Generation which had been spoiled in the 50s was caught up in an Age of Rebellion by the ‘70s when they came of age. They had seen the limits particularly their mothers and grandmothers had endured and saw that laws that had been on the books for a hundred or more years were still being utilized. Unmarried women and men were relatively equal but married women were not and lost numerous rights upon marriage. The Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1975 was a major milestone for Married women. In some states a husband could rape his wife but could not be prosecuted because there was no law addressing or protecting a wife from forced sex by her legal husband. The forced draft age of 18 when in most states you could not vote, buy alcohol, or even marry without permission until the age 21 had caused the male youth to rebel against those who had passed such laws. It was the rejection of the status quo by the Boomers who were then determined they’d create their own new way of living and child rearing.

  So what happened to the children of these Boomers? With access to “the pill” and “choice”—not that many were born. Women could control their fertility and their lives. Those who did come of age in the early ‘80s, found no access to college—unless their parents were poor enough to qualify for financial aid. So this was the first wave of kids finding no access to college. And by then, the Unions were dying and the first waves of outsourcing had begun. This nation’s economy was in a recession in the early ‘80s too. Even those with college degrees had a hard time getting jobs. Affordable housing began to dry up and homeless families with young kids became a common sight on the streets. The mentally ill were turned out on the streets, along with the Vietnam vets with PTSD, and kids became run a ways in greater and greater numbers. All this began with Reagan. HIV/AIDS and HEP C and other STDs began to surface and Divorce and Violence against Women increased and no longer did women get alimony upon divorce and fathers were no longer ordered to pay for their children’s college either. Women now had to be married 10 years to qualify to collect social security off their husband’s earnings too. The family unit began to self-destruct in greater and greater frequency. Drugs and Alcoholism and Mental Illness and Violence began to increase.

  Boomers who had kids in the mid to late ‘70s—these kids came of age in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s—Generation X gave way to the Millennium Generation. Those originally raised to expect to go to college, found they had no access with their parents divorced, particularly if their Dads were “deadbeat” and their moms were largely destitute. College was still mostly affordable after age 24 when they could legally be regarded as emancipated or if they had married or had a child or with financial aid loan packages based on both parents’ tax records because the cost of college had not increased to the point it was totally out of reach the way it is now. This was probably the last group for which Access to Higher Education was still affordable.

  Now for kids graduating in the late ‘90s and since 2000, college has increased by 130% or higher and the cost continues to climb and access is almost non attainable without parents being able to take out a 2nd or 3rd mortgage. While Clinton created HOPE Scholarship and Americorps and did his best to make higher education affordable to families, the BUSH administration has undone just about everything since 2000 to the point that kids today have less and less hope as do their parents. My personal opinion is that parents no longer foster within their kids “dreams” or “expectations” and kids grow up experiencing broken promises galore from overworked stressed out parents and have become jaded about having much of a future at all. If they know their grandparents at all, many are struggling to survive on social security and medicare and have little to provide to their grandkids at all. Their own parents have married more than once and nothing has seemed permanent or stable in their lives. Blended families split apart and then hook up with new siblings when the parents remarry. Parents who left organized religions or just do their own thing—many times their children are not with them come Sundays or their former spouses have other or no religions. There is no family unity or religious unity and nothing is “solid as a rock” in these kids’ lives. Fathers and mothers go through numerous jobs. Nothing is anything “constant” that you can count on or rely on. Kids raise themselves more and more. The “middle class” is really “not there” as it existed in the 1970s or 1980s prior to Reagan. Companies lay off and no one has the same employer for life anymore. No one can feel secure and kids see that nothing lasts.

  Those saw the Stock Market “crash” in October ’87 and again in March’2000 and have seen again and again how life is such a gamble and that nothing is a sure thing. Parents who do stay together, do so because they can not afford to divorce or they can not divide the assets and so the kids see their parents’ marriages as fakes or frauds. After 12 years of Reagan-Bush and what that did to destroy the economy, there were 8 years of “hope” espoused by Clinton but even he fell to national disgrace in front of these kids’ eyes with marital infidelity and then the election of 2000 was a sham with election fraud so these kids know only that adults lie and can not be trusted. They see cheaters who do not get caught, able to get ahead while those who are honest wind up being losers. Everyone is into “self-medication” and they see their parents, the parents of their friends, older siblings, even their grandparents abusing stimulants and alcohol. The fabric of society is in shreds and it’s largely everyone for himself. Mean girls flourish and grew out of “The Heathers”.

  Books like The Price of Admission, Pledged, Overachievers depict what higher education is like today for those with money and connections while everyone else just has to largely “settle” because their parents are broke. Graduates find themselves strapped in college loans and maxed out credit cards and unable to move forward. No one can afford to marry, obtain a starter house, begin a family and there is no affordable childcare. Now when they all go to see the new Michael Moore film and see how their counterparts enjoy life in Canada, Britain, France they will be even more depressed. If you read the story of Jessica Lynch or the Deserter’s Story, you will see how recruiters prey upon the rural poor and recruit them into the military via a series of outrageous lies. Rarely do any of these recruits manage to receive access to higher education the recruiters promised. There are all kinds of “strings” and “escape clauses” that keep these recruits from receiving what they were induced to volunteer in the military. As time evolves, each generation is progressively becoming more and more miserable at an earlier and earlier age so I can see why depression and suicide numbers are climbing. These kids are growing up to realize everything they have been told is a lie.

  It is quite common that college savings accounts and/or other accounts begun by parents when the children are first born, have been raided by one of the parents before the children become of age to benefit or use these accounts for college. It is quite common for kids today to know that their fathers are “deadbeats” and are refusing to pay court ordered child support. They see their fathers ditch their starter wife mothers and go on to remarry and have more kids while leaving them and their mothers destitute and without funds to go to college. Kids today learn they can not trust their own parents to do right by them. If the “bad stuff” is not happening to themselves (yet) it has happened already to someone they know. Kids learn at an earlier and early age that life is not fair. While we grew up with Saturday morning morality plays like Fury, Lassie, Sky King, Mighty Mouse, Superman and learned morals and values from Leave it to Beaver, Ozzie & Harriet, the Donna Reed Show, Father knows Best, children today are given fluff sandwiched between commercials. They are “mediated” and manipulated to develop psychological needs to acquire things in order to be accepted and happy.

  Never before are kids being exposed to class consciousness the way it exists now. What kid today would proudly wear to school items of clothing “mom sewed”. What girl would go to the prom in a dress made by Mom? Kids feel judged by what they are wearing by the time they are in K-garten or First grade. Our society is forming into the Haves vs The Have Nots and when they watch Soap Operas, MTV, VHI, and these ridiculous shows on cable about how kids are growing up in Orange County or 90210 or Jessica Simpson Newlywed Show or read the magazines about the kids they knew originally as Mouseketeers on Disney and Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie it just instills such shallow role models and screwed up values.

  The Narcissism comes from them watching Narcissists as role modes on TV and reading about them in magazines. The young adult books with their suggestive covers convey the message that they have to look sexually seductive to get anywhere in this world and to have any chance of the better opportunities. Since these kids are competing with their own siblings and all their classmates for decreasing means for succeeding in life, they will lie, cheat, steal, sabotage (remember the missing bridge science project in Overachievers) whatever it takes, to get ahead. They all just saw another example of Bush—not making a convicted felon friend of his do any time at all and saw almost how Paris Hilton got away with doing only house arrest—until the Judge forced the issue and still she wound up being allowed out with only a third of her sentence served.

  Parents are also (my opinion) too quick to put kids on pills—and all pills have side effects. Kids who are depressed and who become neurologically rewired to need anti-depressants, will likely never be able to not be on them. Those who get hooked on ICE, will suffer permanent brain altering from that drug and will never feel “right”. Those with medical records of mental conditions experienced during childhood—due to decisions made by their parents, are going to have to live with these records “out there” the rest of their lives and suffer discrimination in hiring and advancement/promotions as employers find ways to obtain such records. Ask any Boomer to compare their own childhoods with those of their own kids and /or their grandkids and most will say their own lives were far happier compared to kids growing up today. Kids feel alone and hopeless and underpowered so it is no wonder they are resorting to suicide as a means of escape their unhappiness, the pressures of living, the disappointments in life. I do not think they see or feel “we’re all in this together” the way draft resisters felt a unity, the way women felt a unity to march for Women’s rights, the way African Americans felt a unity to march for Civil Rights, the way Gays and Lesbians march for Equal treatment and protections. Today’s kids see whistle blowers or women seeking to complain about sexual harassment treated as pariahs. Today’s kids feel alone and they hardly even know that Unions ever existed or why.

  Any kid working in a corporate chain store can not say, do, act in any way that would be observed as an attempt to unionize. Any kid trying to organize coworkers to file common grievances will be gotten rid of immediately. Kids no longer take Civics in high school. They do not learn about the various workers rights struggles or civil rights struggles as something they can relate to and utilize today in their own lives by banding together. Students who speak out in an unpopular or controversial position are marginalized or silenced altogether. Didn’t that one student in Marin finally just win his lawsuit –years after he graduated—for his editorial that was censored by his school’s administration under freedom of speech, where the court ruled finally in his favor? But at the time he was made out to be a troublemaker and pariah at his school. So I do not believe there is a feeling of common ground, of camaraderie among students anymore. It is dog eat dog, every one for himself anymore in this world we live in today. There is just too much competition. In Overachievers—how that one kid—went under everyone’s radar and no one even knew where he was applying or that he was in the running at all, and yet he was. (You look up on the author’s website and use the code word—to check what each one of those kids is doing since being written in the book under their fake names of course.) Distrusting people are not willing to expose themselves to scorn, ridicule, and keep everything buttoned up and inside themselves. These kids learn this early for self protection against being bullied and humiliated. They’ve all seen the Stephen King film Carrie. (How she was set up the night of her Prom—how it was all a lie/a joke on her to be crowed Prom Queen.)

  The Reagan Bush years is when everyone learned it’s not what you know but whom, that cheaters and liars can and do get ahead (Ringer’s Looking out for No 1 became a best seller.) that there’s not enough of the pie to go around for all Americans anymore and that the Rich will become Richer at the expense of the Middle Class and that was the start of the redistribution of wealth in this country and Bush #43’s “Tax Cuts to the Wealthiest 1%” in summer ‘2001 has made the division even wider. The middle class American today works 2 to 3 jobs to barely get by and is not there for their kids who are raising themselves. While “Helicopter Parents” are one extreme, the majority of kids are getting themselves up, dressed, and to school and back again while Mom and Dad or StepDad or live in Boyfriend both work and are rarely home. Parents are too tired, stressed, emotionally absent to do much for their teen kids today. The kids really have to try to do whatever it is they want to do with their lives and futures on their own. Once the child support payments stop, these kids really feel set adrift because they are no longer “contributing” to the household and are taking up space. Foster kids foster out of the system at 18 too and have no access to college in most cases and wind up homeless on the streets for the most part. Before Reagan, they all would have had access to college and college work study and tuition waivers and would have been able to emancipate themselves at age 16 and also collect any social security survivors’ benefits until age 22 as long as they were in college carrying 12 hrs/semester or more.

  The Community College was never meant to be the only college for the kids who are settling for that avenue as the only one available due to lack of funds or means to go to college. The Community College was seen as remedial and vocational and for those kids who did not academically qualify for four year Universities. But more and more kids today are trying to go to Community College while working part-time jobs and many of these students who would have blossomed in a four year university campus setting will wind up frustrated, bored, dropping out of this grind of trying to keep a full time poorly paid job and going to college part-time. (Wages at most of these chains start at 8.50/hr and if you do not have a car or someone to take/fetch you, the cabfare –employees have to be there as early as 6am and as late as midnight in a lot of these chain stores.) eats up much of the wages, also gas and auto insurance and auto payments, to the point there is no money left for going to college at all.)

  If you read Strapped, Fast Food Nation, Generation Debt, Unhooked Generation, Generation Me you can begin to see the picture of the lives of a lot of these students who are in their mid to late 20s now and their plight is only getting worse with each passing year and the increasing cost of higher education. There is no affordable housing. A lot of these kids do not and can not afford cars and can not afford to date and are working all the time in 2 jobs plus school anyway. Those that can still live at home at least have that while others barely get by with everything going toward rent. It is common to see 20 year old males skateboarding or riding a bike or walking where Boomers got their cars as soon as they turned 16. Kids today just can not buy even the cheapest car and insure it and maintain it on what they earn.

  So the quality of life for a Boomer Teen was much much happier and fun filled during the high school years than the teens of today by comparison. There was less stress and most of them did not even work except maybe the summer before their Senior year and the Summer after they graduated and certainly not during the school year itself. Now more kids work during the last two years than not and school comes last for a lot of them and many are sleep deprived trying to do both.

  I think if this generation was capable of rebelling they would have done it already. They know nothing about politics and regard everyone as crooks or not “for their interests or needs” and therefore they refuse to vote or bother registering. They do not participate in the 401K plans offered or take out IRA accounts either. Many do not have savings accounts either. They do not believe life has any fairness because they’ve seen example after example how it has not been for so many. Those that have managed to get access to the 4 year state or private Universities are seen as the “lucky ones” and not necessarily the deserving ones. These other kids, because of working during high school years, have become estranged from these other kids by the time they all graduate. They are living largely in separate worlds by the time they are half-way through high school. The ones working just to survive and to get by—will likely never graduate with a BA or BS degree. If it takes the ones in the “real” Universities 6 or 7 years to graduate, imagine how long it would take the kid working 2 jobs and going to community college part-time? So a lot of these kids will never wind up graduating. It’s a very dismal picture for them and getting worse all the time. But for the movie passes they win or that corporations pass on as promos that are given out to those with a night off, they don’t even get to see movies. I do not think they see anything resembling “the American Dream” at all. It’s just never been there for them at all.

  This whole overlay of the 9/11, War on Terrorism, War in Afghanistan, War in Iraq, and suspected soon to be War in Iran further makes them distrustful of all things government and seems to underscore that they won’t have a future. None of them believe social security will be there for them either and that their boomer parents will get the last of it. They just do not see the world as their oyster or that they have a whole exciting life ahead of them and do not see “future” the way boomers did upon high school graduation. This is the generation which has to settle for a lesser life for the most part and one that will have no opportunities, little chance to have a decent life or live as well as their grandparents had it or their own parents had it as kids at least before their adult lives fell apart and they became poor.

  If the studies and interviews only address the interests and needs and attitudes of those who are in four year state and private universities then the bulk of this generation is not being asked, not being heard. There is this morass of disenfranchised youth graduating annually with no place to go except poorly paid entry level jobs that no one can live on or go to school on or get a car with. The cost of food, clothing, shelter, transportation, education, insurance is just too high. The kids go without the medical insurance and if they work several jobs part-time, they do not get it anyway.

  Boomers by contrast earning only $1.55/hr to $1.65/hr in the mid-70s could still make it through college just on that wage working part time—Tuition was 200.00/semester at most schools or tuition was waivered anyway. An apartment –an entire apartment that slept 4 cost only 200/month (split 4 ways) if that. Food stamps came to $65.00 month per person. You could buy a used VW for $500. Books cost $12.00 -$15.00 used and usually textbooks did not change except maybe every 4 years if that. Schools gave IOUs if your grades were C or better so you could pay later if you were short. College Works Study provided jobs on campus and you paid no taxes on what you earned. There were all kinds of programs and means to attend college full time on virtually no money prior to Reagan ending it all for poor and lower middleclass students. So these kids today have nothing compared to what Boomers had available to them.

  Boomers were saddled with the Vietnam War but if they could defer or beat the draft, they had everything going for them to live for upon graduation. Only 20% of the population had college degrees and this country still manufactured almost everything sold in this country so there were lots of managerial jobs in this country for the college graduate and lots of small businesses looking for college graduates and plenty of white collar jobs and also the means to go to graduate school too. Everything looked bright.

  Everything looks “dark” for the kids today, hence the rising suicides, the addictions, the self destructive lifestyle choices they make. What do they really have to be positive about in this day and age? Even the planet is dying and they can see that already too. 24 years ago, a song lyric touted “the future’s so bright you need to wear shades.” That wouldn’t be written today–their songs reflect their culture and that’s not what they’re singing today.

largeenvelope, July 22nd, 2007 at 4:01 pm:

• check

Rob M, August 27th, 2007 at 12:35 pm:

• Dr. Levine-

  What a wonderful book. Thank you so much!

  One thing that struck me while reading it is the similarity between the influences you describe and some of the processes at work in a model of infectious diseases. In the way you describe communities such as Marin, it seems as though there is some critical mass of the behaviors and attitudes you describe. When a sufficiently large proportion of the population is predisposed (in this case through affluence), it becomes self-reinforcing and virtually inescapable almost as a community norm. It would be extremely interesting to look at data about affluent kids in non-affluent areas. My first impulse is that their affluence would be somehow more noticeable, and perhaps “define” these kids as rich kids, as opposed to typical kids among rich peers. Comparison of these data with those from a place such as Marin County would help begin to answer whether the characteristics seen in these kids is because of the money or because they live in a moneyed place.
  I find it very interesting (and sensible) that the book seems to focus not on childhood afluence per se, but rather on the affect that affluence often has on one’s approach to parenting, and how that approach - rather than the money itself - influences these children.

  I have a related post, which I’ll now do separately.

Rob M, August 27th, 2007 at 12:51 pm:

• A second post…

  I live in Montgomery County, Maryland, which is a mostly upper-middle-class suburb of Washington, DC. I’m not at all happy at bringing up my daughters (ages 4, 7 and 9) here, and my wife and I are thinking of moving. I wonder if you, Dr. Levine, or anyone else on this site are aware of anyone who has made a move for that reason, and how they have fared?

  Here is my situation. I work as a very specialized medical researcher, so I have very little job mobility in terms of where I can work. My current office is in the inner ring of suburbs around Washington, but my organization is moving to a new building further out in the suburbs. This will cut my commute from 45 minutes each way to 20 minutes each way. I’m beginning to think, though, that perhaps the thing to do is to take on a 60-90 minute commute, and get out of the metropolitan area entirely in favor of a “normal” (whatever that is) small or medium city.

  Here are my most recent gripes with the staus quo…

  1. When I dropped off my girls at the school bus stop this morning, I skipped out on my neighborhood’s first-day-of-school tradition. Once the kids are on the bus, out comes the champagne, and there is a champagne toast to celebrate the kids being back in school. Although to some extent I can sympathize, I think it’s in poor taste.

  2. I found out this weekend that my seven year old daughter will now be playing against ten-year-olds in her soccer league, as most eight-to-ten year old girls here apparently have joined elite “travel teams” by this age, or have stopped playing soccer altogether. There are not enough of these girls to have their own division in the recreational league, so they’re being lumped into the same division as my much younger daughter.

  3. When my two older girls signed up for tennis lessons last year, the instructors didn’t know what to do with them, as most children their age (then 6 and had been playing for several years, and so the introductory classes were designed for pre-schoolers.

  4. Something very similar happened when we signed them up for piano lessons.

  5. Almost 70% of the children in their (public) school qualify for the “gifted and talented” program. Now it’s a very good school in a very good school system, but for some reason this bothers me. It’s like Lake Wobegon(sp?) where [U]everyone[/U] is above average.

  I’m very concerned that their perspective could become warpedd from growing up in such a place. does it make sense that we might consider moving, or is it just cowardly of me to try to shirk the added parental difficulty of trying to maintain some perspective for them in this unusual environment?

Louise, October 2nd, 2007 at 8:42 am:

• I’m wondering if there was a response to Barbara’s question back in January. I share the same confusion on when to push our teens just outside their comfort zones and set appropriate expectations to help them realize their potential (when I know they are fully capable of better work) and when not to push as it would be interpreted as basing my love on school performance. My biggest dilemma is knowing how to motivate them to have the discipline to reach their potential, wherever that level may be.

MemphisBelle, November 9th, 2007 at 9:13 am:

• Dear Barbara,

  The fine line you are not seeing involves TRAINING your child how to organize and manage their time and resources, THEN let them do it on their own and if they fail - learning to get up and try it again and again is the first step in learning and success. The fine line is only a misnomer or urban ledgen. I recommend you read and work through the study guide The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This book goes way beyond what is implied by the title. Good Luck! Thomas Jefferson said, ” I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.”

  Ward

teenmama, February 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm:

• Dear Dr. Levine,

  I really enjoyed hearing you speak last night at the Laguna Beach School District Coffee Break. When I came home, I discussed some of your ideas with my 17-year-old daughter.

  As a junior whose mantra is balance, she has helped me become a less intrusive parent (although I am still struggling with overinvolvement). Although she carries a full load of regular classes (grade level–no honors) and works very hard to get As and Bs, she is an average kid who tries to go to bed at a reasonable hour, enjoys many close friendships, dances and sings for pleasure (not the best in the class), hasn’t got around to getting her license yet (permit still good–dad willing to help her practice), and isn’t interested in “the dark side”(her term for drug and alcohol abuse). She is concerned about the state of our high-pressure educational system and wants to study psychology in college.

  Correct me if I’m wrong, but last night I think you mentioned you have formed a group of psychologists to deal with issues of balance in teens’ lives. Have you formed any teen groups to work on this issue in schools? If so, I’m sure my daughter would be interested in getting involved. Alternatively, do you have any ideas about ways she could get involved working on issues like these for a few weeks as an intern over summer break? Please let me know. If you provide contacts, she will follow up herself. (Because I am learning when to bow out.) Thanks.

kmcscott, February 27th, 2008 at 3:41 pm:

• Hello Madeline,
  I just heard you speak @ the Doughtry Valley High school in San Ramon Ca.
  I was absolutly impressed with your rite on views on today’s parenting and stress put on these kids.
  Back to basic’s were your 10 concrete items listed.
  Now I want to answer the question you asked in the beginning of your talk.
  What is so differant for our kids between
  Elementary school, to Middle school and High school?
  My answer immediatly that day was, They no longer get to play!!!!!!!
  They are put in to organized sports, activities, and not mention the homework
  load!!!
  What hapeened to free time to hang out in the neighborhood, where you really can figure out lifes skills, by negotiating and arguing and compromising during play>
  This doesn’t exist any longer for these kids.
  Lifes skills are not learned through a book or an organized sport directed by an adult.
  Backyard baseball, pickup football, Basketball in the street, or just making decisions as a group that everyone is good with, is what they take with them into adulthood. And if you don’t like the way the day of play is going, don’t sulk, hang in there,tommorrow you can maybe be the deciding factor.I agreed with most everythig you said, and am clear that when we were growing up( I am 50)we did not have to worry about the pressures these kids do,
  I didn’t even think about the SAT or College until the later part of High school.
  We survived as successful adults!
  Bless these kids and give them their free time to PLAY!
  Thankyou Kathy Scott

TranDanny820, March 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am:

• Dr. Levine,
  I hope one day my son would go to an Ivy Leauge school. I know getting accepted to an Ivy Leauge school require more than a good GPA. My question, if my son has a good GPA and I donate 5 or 6 million dollars would my chances be better.

TranDanny820, March 18th, 2008 at 11:11 am:

• Dr. Levine,
  I hope one day my son would go to an Ivy Leauge school. I know getting accepted to an Ivy Leauge school require more than a good GPA. My question, if my son has a good GPA and I donate 5 or 6 million dollars would his chances be better?

TranDanny820, March 18th, 2008 at 11:11 am:

• Dr. Levine,
  I hope one day my son would go to an Ivy Leauge school. I know getting accepted to an Ivy Leauge school require more than a good GPA. My question, if my son has a good GPA and I donate 5 or 6 million dollars would his chances be better?

david t, April 9th, 2008 at 10:33 pm:

• I saw you at the Menlo Park presentation. Really excellent. Thank you!

  You mentioned one article I haven’t been able to track down. It was related to children lying because they are unable to control their parents’ anxieties. I thought you said it was a recent NY Times article, but I haven’t been able to find it.
  Thanks

Mary Stamarry, May 12th, 2009 at 7:39 am:

• Just finished your wonderful book - makes so much sense to me. I started out as the Privileged Parent, and I’m so glad that through circumstances not chosen by me, I have ended up quite differently. I am now a full time student, so concerned at my own lack of work/progress, consumed with y own challenges, whilst my teenagers are flying past me…….every time I go to open my mouth about their occasional doss, I close it again, because I know what I would have said would be most unhelpful if someone said it to me!

  The last chapter could be expanded to take up 90% of the book, and the rest would easily fit into the 10% left!